The long sonnet

Hi dear virtual diary

As usual and always

And may be forever, I am going to write

About what I feel, what I have been gone through

As the wind still blowing and the mind keeps thinking

Of the future that never compromising

I want to thanks, and I want to blame

Which one should I do first?

At this point, I always want a time to lay back

Hold my breath, and let it out

And think... softly, deeply of the very true confession

And say... like what Nate and Glee has said,

“So this is it... I sold my soul for this?”
“Wash my hand of that for this?”
“Miss my mom and dad for this?”

It always bring me in a very isolated heart

To feel like everything are freaking

Because I am too afraid of future

Those uncertainties that full of darkness

Waiting for me to shine them in a very best way

To mom,

I hope you will support what I am doing right now,

As your blessing will be my second strength

Which I will bring along my marathon

You know nothing can replace you in my heart

I don’t know why God still give me this chance

After all that I did to you

I think I am not worth even a taste of happiness

And that prejudice is scaring me so much mak...

Yes I am scare...

You know, these day I was so lonely

And even there are many people around

But the empty space inside was just irreplaceable

And even with the presence of you

Things may work in different way

But still, I feel so lonely without you

I lost my sprit and encouragement

And even with the presence of you

I still have to do that alone

I still feel tired and despair

But it still worth if you are here

And I hope I can still have your shadow

In my walking silhouette

Though remembering you do not add to happiness

But still as my immortal love

I will still remember you

And I will take that pain

Now and always

I don’t care whether the scars will never to heal

Because for me I deserve to have it

Even to expose it to the world

Doesn’t a big deal

Because the real matter were just you

And now you are gone

So what else be the more important?

Well mom,

I want to promise you...

I would like you to allow me

To promise you that I will never forget you

In my prayer

And will bring this live, the life like what you want

And will fulfill all of your wishes

And protect the family

Be a warrior like you

I will stay alive

To do the rest of your unfulfilled wishes 

Hopefully...

Honestly, The reason of why I keep staying

Not to catch those happiness

Not for the sake of my life either

Because it was already gone together with yours

But because God wants me to stay

And for you

To do the all that I can do

Forgive me for the fun that I over enjoyed

Forgive me for the laugh loudly unlimited

For each second, minutes and hours
That I ever forgotten my truly mission

Forgive me of those sins
Dear God... Mak&abah...

And he... who always busy with his political matters

Who I never thought to be one of the actors of my life scene

And the movie that still in writing stage

Wait to be filmed

As we in the meantime,

Figure out the scripts, memorize them a little bit

And for me the story was just a very “mengarut”

And I don’t have any idea

Of how can I get involved in this “cerita mengarut”

And how I can agree to get involved in this story
is the most mengarut,

Well... to sacrifice the feeling

To sacrifice the wants

Is difficult...

Or in clearer word... it is hard and forced

So again,  Why do I have to do this?

"So this is it".. like Nate says..

Is it worth the thing?

Well I don't know what is the hikmah behind this thing
And who am I to question all that thing?
I can only do the best as possible
pulling all my strength for it

Its not that I'm not trying
Or being too rush
If just you could see
How much I doubt myself
And scare of wrong decision
With many days of carrying the weigh
of unraveled question
and chaotic mind

"No no no" that’s the only word

When I think of bad decision

Or the wrong turn

It is all predestined

Sometimes I have to learn to accept

The thing that Allah has fated for me

Uhuuh..

And for my dearest self.
Who I should take a bow to
And be proud of without hesitation
Because sometimes the life gone too tough
You get hurt and frustrated
But I can see the warrior in you
That always fighting
It never takes too long
To always see you "I am back"
You are tougher than the tests God sets to you
You have that strength
And I couldn't agree more
That I adore your endurance
so so much
And I will pray for you
For that will be forever

For them who constantly supporting me

Through my thick and thin

And to my fellow family

For the prayers, advices, warns, scold and blames

I would like to express a very sincere

Solely, high and pure gratitude

To all of you

Only god can reward you

With his bounty and wellness in dunya and hereafter

InSyaAllah...